a letter to mother nature

for the love of all that is holy.  my hands are cramping and there is a severe crick in my neck.  why, you ask?  because i have spent the first half of the day crouched in my office in a semi-fetal position, trying to protect my delicate ears from the cacophony that is chip.

R-TARD NUMERO CUATRO
chip - typical senior management dude, who thinks his prestigious schooling and subsequent fancy pants jobs make him the cream of the crop and intellectually superior (to everyone).  eerily similar at times to slickRick, but takes a more arrogant and "business-like" approach to dealing with underlings.  possesses several traits that undermine his ability to retain the respect of co-workers: dorky childish quirks like saving starbucks cups and building a tower out of them on his desk, growing a mountain-man beard while on vacation and NOT shaving it upon returning to work, reheating coffee in said starbucks cups but forgetting and leaving them in the breakroom microwave for hours, and apparently being allergic to all flora and fauna.

it is this last trait that has my body tingling (and not in a good way) from lack of blood flow today.  i am cowering in my office because i can hear him from here.  he is down the hall AND around the corner from me.  there are roughly 12 people between him and i and i can STILL.  HEAR.  HIM.

he is hacking.

he is spewing.

he is sniffling.

he is making the most guttural noises i have ever heard in my life, and i once owned a tabby cat who would eat my laundry and hack it up all over the carpet.

the worst part is that he doesn't appear to hear himself making these noises.   he is happily oblivious to the noise pollution he's responsible for and if anyone asks if he's sick (which i've heard three people do now) he says no.

innocent co-worker: hey, uh, chip, you okay there?
chip: SNRRRK.
innocent co-worker: um seriously, man, do you need a tissue or something?
chip: what?  no, i'm fine, not sick.  i just have mild allergies.

um, NO.  you do not have MILD allergies.  if you had mild allergies, we would hear you sniffling like a baby pygmy hamster at the wood shavings in his cage.  but those cute noises are not what you are producing over there.

innocent co-worker: oh really?  that's interesting.
chip: GRRRRRRRHSSSSSSSSSSH.  yes, my wife complains about it all the time but she's just overreacting.  i mean, my nose is barely running.  HACKKKKKKRGGGGGGG.

oh really?  it's barely running?  i think it's because you are funneling all the phlegm straight through your nasal passages, into your throat, and then out of your large gaping maw.  and into my ear.  (not literally, of course.  ew.  i'd have to take a sick day and go find a bio-hazard site so i could get me some good clean scrubbing.  it may burn but i'll be clean.)

my friend emma is about ready to strike him dead.  if i don't find a way to stop him, we're all going to be sorry.  emma and i will be in jail and chip will be on the floor of his office with tissues shoved into his mouth, both nostrils and maybe his ears for good measure.  earlier, emma ran into my office with her eyes all wide and hands sticking out oddly at her sides.

emma:  omgomgomg i need a chainsaw.
me: ooh why?  can i help?
emma: yes.  i need one so i can turn it on and it will be louder than chip.  then i am going to run into his office and do laps around his desk with the chainsaw going and i'm going to yell SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP at him until he stops making those noises!!!!

at which point we both heard him hacking again.  she made a little squeaking noise, ran out of my office and i heard the door to our office slam shut. that was an hour ago.  i'm pretty sure she's been in the ladies' room since then, in the same semi-fetal position i'm now permanently pretzeled into.

so anyway, i decided i would compose a letter to mother nature to ask her to turn off all the allergens in nature.  and maybe while she's at it she could turn this summer weather into some nice fall weather.  heat = grumpy, angry office girl.  but i digress, this is about chip, not me.

dear mother nature,

first, please let me thank you for all the good things you give us like organically grown heirloom tomatoes in the summer and delicious grapes that we humans turn into wine for consumption when overwhelmed by the stresses of daily life.  you are quite the force to be reckoned with and i have always been in awe of the wondrous things you create.

i would like  to respectfully request that you remove all allergens and pollen from nature.  i think it would be magical to live in a world with fabulous flora and fauna that are completely allergen-free.  we could admire the beauty of the foliage and not have to deal with humans producing excessive phlegm and being, in general terms, the most loudly disgusting beasts to ever have roamed the earth (and i mean even more grotesque than the woolly mammoth or the t-rex).


thank you in advance for your consideration on this matter. 

respectfully yours,
your daughter, angry office girl

p.s.  please turn off summer, too. 

a side of bacon

this seriously just happened.

i was sipping my coffee, happily sorting through my inbox - emails to skim and delete, emails to delete without reading, emails to ignore, emails to consider responding to later this week, emails to reply to immediately (0), emails to forward to friends with appropriately angry commentary, etc. when suddenly a very flustered bacon appeared in my doorway. 

bacon: hey!  ohmygod, do you have a second?  i am SO confused.

me: huh!  shocking.

bacon: what?

me: stocking!  my stockings are bothering me.  (NOTE: what are stockings?  i'm wearing not entirely work appropriate trouser shorts with strappy sandals.  so sue me.)

bacon: oh okay.  so i totally just missed a meeting!  i don't understand it!  it's on my calendar but i don't remember accepting it.

me: um, so it's on your calendar but you still missed the meeting?

bacon: yes!  i didn't accept it!  i just don't get it!

me: ah, okay well hang on.  regardless of whether or not you accepted the meeting request, wouldn't you have just gone since you saw it on your calendar this morning?

bacon: no, i saw it on my calendar, but i didn't remember accepting it so i thought it wasn't something i had to go to.

me: huh.  okay, well was it just a staff meeting or something?  i'm not sure why you would think you didn't have to go to a meeting on.  your.  own.  calendar.

bacon: like i said, i hadn't accepted it.  and no, it wasn't just a staff meeting!  it was with the printers for the business cards and our boss!!!

me: wtf.  alright, so it appears it was just a meeting between three parties.  we both know our boss wouldn't have arranged the meeting, so was it setup by the printers or by YOU?

bacon: um i have no idea!  how do i figure that out?

me: omgomgomgomgomg.  let's go look at your calendar.

we troop down to her office (bacon speed walking like one of those odd women out at lunch in their work attire and white tennies, me traipsing along behind her with a smirk on my face) and she sits at her desk.

bacon: see, here's the calendar item. (pointing with her finger)

me: mmhmm, okay just double-click on it to open up the detailed view.

bacon: okay, here it is.

me: UM.  see that part at the top?  where it says "organizer"?

bacon: yes.

me: see how it has YOUR name after the colon?

bacon: yes.

me: that means YOU created this calendar item and YOU setup the meeting.

bacon: what?  when did i do that?  but i didn't accept it!

me: if YOU create the calendar item, YOU do NOT have to accept it, because it's ALREADY on YOUR calendar.  it's like magic.

bacon: oh.  but i still don't remember setting up the... oh.  shoot, i think i do remember setting up the meeting now.  well darn it all.  i get so confused with this calendar stuff.

me: yah, i can definitely see that.  maybe you could get someone to do a training session for you.

bacon: oh!  that's a great idea!  i've been trying to come up with some firmwide training sessions and that would be a super one.  i'm SURE i'm not the only one with these calendar issues.

me: ah right yup why don't you work on that i'm gonna go now.

bacon: thank you SO much for your help!!!  you're a lifesaver!

she had to yell that last part at me since i'd already skeedaddled out of her office at lightning speed so she couldn't see my face convulsing from imagining the entire firm gathering around for a training on how to use our calendars.  impossible.  i would die from laughter, or get myself fired for spontaneously combusting into a pile of laughing mush from trying to hold in the laughter.  ah must stop thinking about it now.  i'm smirking and twitching just typing about it.  time to calm down with some more coffee and email deletions.  yay!  happy wednesday.

cornered by beaverFace

so today ended up being a pretty quiet day on the idiocy front.  did i jinx things by starting this blog?  good lord, let's hope not.  i'd be forced to work at my full ability if everyone suddenly grew a brain and did their job.  egads, can you imagine a workplace where absolutely everything ran smoothly??!?!  what on earth would i complain about?  scary.

i did have a small run-in with one character i'll call...

R-TARD NUMERO DOS

beaverFace - typical "i have a degree so therefore i am smarter and cooler than you" loser who looks strikingly like a beaver.  unfortunately he does not realize that everyone else has a degree, too, so he's not nearly as special as he thinks he is.  also thinks he's quite the ladies man, though he most certainly is not.  absolutely loves to hear himself talk and is somehow able to talk down to you like he thinks you're the r-tard, when he's standing in your office asking you for help.  hey brainiac, if i'm the dumbass, why are you asking me to run this report for you?  and wait... why am i doing it?  maybe i AM the dumbass!  dang.

so i was in the break room, getting my mid-morning dose of caffeine to assure my eyes would stay open in my next meeting, when i suddenly froze.  i felt the little hairs on the back of my neck rise and my eyes darted from side to side.  i couldn't see anyone in my peripheral vision, but i had that feeling... that SOMEONE was watching me.  i casually finished stirring my last splenda packet into my cup (acting nonchalant and trying to turn my role from huntED into huntER) and turned to toss the empty packet into the garbage can.  i caught a glimpse of something dark out of the corner of my eye so i pivoted quickly on my heel (a really cute pair of black stilettos) and turned to meet my stalker.

it was like one of those slow-motion scenes in a movie - as i spun, my hair did the cute little fly-out thing and i crouched a little to be able to gather strength in my legs in case i had to fight someone or something off.  my eyes looked out towards the door, expecting my attacker to be a few feet away, but instead i jolted backwards and gasped because beaverFace was RIGHT beside me.  as in my awesome flying-out hair had nearly brushed across his face, he was THAT close to me.  ew.

me: WAH!  wtfyouweirdo...

beaverFace: (smirking) heyyyy sure you ah need more caffeine?  you seem a little on edge.

me: yeah because you're all up in my grill.

beaverFace: what?

me: i said, yeah, you're right, i really should chill.

at which point i sidestepped away from him and managed to put a foot of space between us. this however, ended up pinning me in the corner between the garbage can and the copier. i leaned as casually as i could against the copier, and mentally mapped out my escape route.   beaverFace tried to mimic my lean and rested his hip against the countertop.  unfortunately for him, this only served to accentuate his thick waist, which he obviously does not think he has, because he wears the tightest pants possible and tucks his stupid collared shirts into them.  then he cinches the ensemble together with a belt and struts around like he's the shiz. i think he works out, or at least he talks about it like he does, but he's got cee-lo's body structure so i'm really not seeing how any form of exercise would be beneficial.

i firmed up my grip on my coffee cup and prepared to propel myself forward and around beaverFace by using the copier lid as a makeshift springboard when i was unexpectedly saved by slickRick.

R-TARD NUMERO TRES

slickRick - resident car salesman-type personality who struts through the office giving high-fives to bewildered co-workers and shouting things like "heyyyyyyy SLAP ME SOME SKIN!" and "what's the sitch out there?".  unfortunately for him, he's neither from the Jersey shore, nor is he under the age of 27.  he's old, balding and leaves some shaking their heads, thinking "why, why on earth does he try so hard?".  his specialty is ass-kissing, which the upper management loves, so he's got serious job security.  he needs it, since his multiple masters degree + millions of years of experience = big picture dude who can't do anything on his own.

slickRick: heyyyyyyy what's the sitch in here?!?!?

beaverFace: hey slickRick!  we were just getting some caffeine and comparing weekend plans.

i remained silent and as still as possible, hoping against hope that i would miraculously turn invisible so i could sneak back to my office to finish reading about how brad's comments were misconstrued by the media.  jen was not the boring one, he was.  i only had ten minutes before my meeting.  my wish was not to be granted.

slickRick: heyyyyyyy!!!  slap me SOME SKIN!  i haven't seen you at all today, gurrrrl!

me: uh no, not right now, i have hot coffee.  yes, hot coffee.  very hot coffee.

i panicked, i knew i had to do something before they forced me to put down the coffee and slap some skin.


me: hey so how are your fantasy football lineups looking for this weekend?
beaverFace: oh i've already determined that i'm going to win the league, even though i don't watch football.  i mean, it's SO pedestrian the way people go from week to week.  i've already set my lineups for the season.  it's just so simple.
slickRick: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh dude and dudette, i am SO ready to ROCK my matchup this weekend!  beaverFace, how can you possibly know the shizzle before it fizzles?
beaverFace: (rolling his eyes) it's so simple, i just hret kawlit gjlirtjrdahl kdkgjkrtj....


my mind shut down as my ears registered maximum bs levels for the day and i quickly escaped to the serenity of my office before they could notice i'd departed.  i had eight minutes before the meeting - plenty of time for the rest of my brad/jen article.  happy friday to me.  :)

my first post

so after months and months of putting it off, i've finally gotten around to setting up this blog.  my blog.  my friends encouraged me to start one purely to memorialize the stupidity of my co-workers.  at least that's what they said.  i think their desire for me to do this is two-fold: one, if i'm busy typing up all the stupid stuff that happens at work, i won't have time, or the need, to regale them with my tales via 500+ daily texts, sent in batches between the hours of 7:30am and 5pm.  and two, maybe someone from work will discover this blog, put two and two together and then get me fired after reporting me to HR.  ha, poor naive friends, you don't realize that: one, i'll never get tired of talking about how stupid people are, and two, well, you'll see what our HR "department" is like and realize that if i wanted to be successfully fired, i'd probably have to do it myself.

on a daily basis i'm floored by the idiocy that exists at work.  i don't understand how people this stupid can have made it this far in life without killing themselves by walking off a boat in the middle of the ocean because they forgot that "ocean without a boat = bad news".  maybe they just haven't been on a boat in the middle of the ocean yet.  maybe someday they'll get themselves out on a boat and nature will take care of its mistakes, and rid the world of some of its inferior creatures.  maybe i'm just fantasizing.

now before i sound any more judgmental and "i'm smarter than you so i get to say these things outloud" than i already do, you have to understand that i'm not documenting these things because i want to feel better about myself.  i'm a decently intelligent person but being around these r-tards has driven me to the point where i'm asking myself constantly "wait, that's not normal right?  they're supposed to know how to turn their computers on right?  i mean, I'M not the crazy one, am i?  because i know how to turn my computer on?"

and it's not necessarily that i dislike everyone that i'm about to blast... we all have our moments of stupidity and i'm the first to admit that it happens to me more often than i'd like.  i promise to blog about it here when it happens to me.  but it won't, so don't hold your breath.  but i digress.  seriously, what's the point of blogging if i'm just going to say nice things about everyone?  who wants to hear that?  complementary stories and niceties are for other people.  apparently i ain't nice.  and no one these days goes online to read about people being nice to other people.  c'mon, i've seen you roll your eyes in disdain when you read your bff's facebook status update ("have the BEST hubby ever!  so lucky to have him!") because you just got a text from her ("asshole forgot to pick up the kids again!  2nd time this week!!!").

anyway, today i finally got around to starting this blog because of something that happened with bacon.  no, not the greasy oh-so-good-smelling pork product, but our HR "department".  i'll introduce you to her as such:

R-TARD NUMERO UNO

bacon - resident HR genius, in charge of all matters related to humans though she lacks a brain so i'm not sure how she's qualified to know about humans since she can't possibly be one.  my guess is she's a species of large human-like bird people.  nickname derives from slightly crispy and greasy appearance.  doesn't smell like bacon, though that might help her appeal.

yesterday afternoon, i was doing my usual, staring blankly at my screen and waiting for the little clock in the bottom right-hand corner to say "4:56 PM" so i could commence the vigorous process of shutting down my computer for the night.  i'd already finished reading through the celebrity news blogs and had appropriately gasped and shut my browser window after stumbling across the last remaining post of scarlett johannson's nekkedness.  i had just about wished away the blush in my cheeks when bacon rounded the corner and poked her head into my doorway.

bacon: hey!  i have a super quick question for you.  are you busy?

me: um, yah but that's fine.  i can help.  what's up?  (i think to myself - this had better be quick because my little clock friend just announced that it's 4:50 PM!)

she walks into my office as i quickly open up a few documents and frown like i was actually editing them.  she peeks over at my screen and sighs wistfully.  i look at her with an eyebrow  raised, much like i was smelling what the rock was cooking.


bacon: gosh, you know, how EVER did you get SO good at excel?  you're so good at so many things.  i wish i was as good at excel like you.


UM.  these are WORD docs you R-TARD.  i'm so good at excel that i turned a spreadsheet into a ten-page report on your stupidity?!?!?!?  at that moment i wished that they had indeed installed the hidden cameras in my office like i've always suspected management would do.  i would watch my reaction over and over again and post it on youtube because i must have looked like i was having a seizure.  about ten different emotions flitted across my face in the space of about 6 nanoseconds.


1.  shock - did you really just say that
2.  surprise - oh my god you really ARE that stupid because you're still admiring my WORD DOC
3.  smugness - holy hell wait until i tell my friends, i can't wait ican'twaitican'twait
4.  panic - don't laugh, you'll have to explain yourself!
5.  tension - holding in laughter as best i can, looking like i'm either pooping my pants or trying to stop myself from doing so
6.  shame - i shouldn't be laughing at you, it's not your fault you're so dumb
7.  anger - wait, how is it that we're getting the same pay and you're so stupid?
8.  annoyance - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots
9.  resignation - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots
10. defeat - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots


as i wallowed in self-pity for the sad, sad state of my life, i'd completely forgotten she was still standing in my office.  i was jolted out of the fog of despair when she leaned across my desk and laid out several sheets of paper.  


bacon: these are the proofs for our new business cards - yay!  i've checked and double-checked and triple-checked them for spelling and everything but i know you've got such a good eye for stuff like that i was hoping you'd take a quick peek at them for me before i approve them with the printer.
me: oh this is something i can do in the next two minutes, easy peasy.
bacon: what?
me: huh?  oh i said absolutely, nothing would PLEASE me more.
bacon: ok great!  thanks so much!!!  


and with that, she flounced out of my office, taking her crispy aura away and leaving behind a slightly greasy feel.  i sighed and picked up the first sheet.  and i blinked.  and blinked again.  did i?  um.  yes.  ah.  the first card on the proof was hers.  and this is what it said:


Bakon Frye-Pan
HR Manager
Hell Hole, Inc.
666 Hades Blvd., Suite B
Downtown, HL 66666

ok not really, because we're not in suite b, we're in suite c (ha!) but yes, her freaking FIRST NAME was misspelled.  wtf.  how do you miss that?  don't you learn to recognize your own name when you turn four?  like when you start reading?!?!?!  like when you first learn the english language?  i snorted as i circled her name with a big red circle and skimmed through the rest of the cards.  i glanced at the clock and saw that i only had two minutes before closing time, so i declared myself finished and took the proofs down to her office.


bacon: (looking up from frowning at a sticky note on her desk) oh!  you're so quick, you're done already?  
me: yup (pleasedon'tlaughpleasedon'tlaughpleasedon'tlaugh)
bacon: oh gosh, hopefully there weren't any errors!  i checked through SO many times!
me: ah right.  well i uh, there were these ones here where the wrong office address is listed - he doesn't work in that office, he's here in ours... 
bacon: oh!  goodness, i was so focused on making sure the addresses were correct, i didn't even match the people.  hee hee!
me: right.  so anyway, um those were um it except for ah one other.  um your ah name was misspelled.
bacon: what?  
me: um - there's a "k" there.
bacon: oh!  ha ha!  oh gosh, good thing i had you check!  i didn't even notice!


HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE YOUR NAME IS MISSPELLED?!?!??!?!


me: oh right ok yah i gotta go.


i ran down the hall to my office, lips twitching the whole way as i tried to keep from laughing within earshot of her office.  my whole body was so tense from holding it in that i am still a little sore from it.  i texted the entire episode to my friend abbie, who responded appropriately with "LOL.  WTF, how is she still employed?  meet in ten at the watering hold to debrief."  


so that was yesterday... let's see what today has in store.  happy friday!