a letter to mother nature

for the love of all that is holy.  my hands are cramping and there is a severe crick in my neck.  why, you ask?  because i have spent the first half of the day crouched in my office in a semi-fetal position, trying to protect my delicate ears from the cacophony that is chip.

R-TARD NUMERO CUATRO
chip - typical senior management dude, who thinks his prestigious schooling and subsequent fancy pants jobs make him the cream of the crop and intellectually superior (to everyone).  eerily similar at times to slickRick, but takes a more arrogant and "business-like" approach to dealing with underlings.  possesses several traits that undermine his ability to retain the respect of co-workers: dorky childish quirks like saving starbucks cups and building a tower out of them on his desk, growing a mountain-man beard while on vacation and NOT shaving it upon returning to work, reheating coffee in said starbucks cups but forgetting and leaving them in the breakroom microwave for hours, and apparently being allergic to all flora and fauna.

it is this last trait that has my body tingling (and not in a good way) from lack of blood flow today.  i am cowering in my office because i can hear him from here.  he is down the hall AND around the corner from me.  there are roughly 12 people between him and i and i can STILL.  HEAR.  HIM.

he is hacking.

he is spewing.

he is sniffling.

he is making the most guttural noises i have ever heard in my life, and i once owned a tabby cat who would eat my laundry and hack it up all over the carpet.

the worst part is that he doesn't appear to hear himself making these noises.   he is happily oblivious to the noise pollution he's responsible for and if anyone asks if he's sick (which i've heard three people do now) he says no.

innocent co-worker: hey, uh, chip, you okay there?
chip: SNRRRK.
innocent co-worker: um seriously, man, do you need a tissue or something?
chip: what?  no, i'm fine, not sick.  i just have mild allergies.

um, NO.  you do not have MILD allergies.  if you had mild allergies, we would hear you sniffling like a baby pygmy hamster at the wood shavings in his cage.  but those cute noises are not what you are producing over there.

innocent co-worker: oh really?  that's interesting.
chip: GRRRRRRRHSSSSSSSSSSH.  yes, my wife complains about it all the time but she's just overreacting.  i mean, my nose is barely running.  HACKKKKKKRGGGGGGG.

oh really?  it's barely running?  i think it's because you are funneling all the phlegm straight through your nasal passages, into your throat, and then out of your large gaping maw.  and into my ear.  (not literally, of course.  ew.  i'd have to take a sick day and go find a bio-hazard site so i could get me some good clean scrubbing.  it may burn but i'll be clean.)

my friend emma is about ready to strike him dead.  if i don't find a way to stop him, we're all going to be sorry.  emma and i will be in jail and chip will be on the floor of his office with tissues shoved into his mouth, both nostrils and maybe his ears for good measure.  earlier, emma ran into my office with her eyes all wide and hands sticking out oddly at her sides.

emma:  omgomgomg i need a chainsaw.
me: ooh why?  can i help?
emma: yes.  i need one so i can turn it on and it will be louder than chip.  then i am going to run into his office and do laps around his desk with the chainsaw going and i'm going to yell SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP at him until he stops making those noises!!!!

at which point we both heard him hacking again.  she made a little squeaking noise, ran out of my office and i heard the door to our office slam shut. that was an hour ago.  i'm pretty sure she's been in the ladies' room since then, in the same semi-fetal position i'm now permanently pretzeled into.

so anyway, i decided i would compose a letter to mother nature to ask her to turn off all the allergens in nature.  and maybe while she's at it she could turn this summer weather into some nice fall weather.  heat = grumpy, angry office girl.  but i digress, this is about chip, not me.

dear mother nature,

first, please let me thank you for all the good things you give us like organically grown heirloom tomatoes in the summer and delicious grapes that we humans turn into wine for consumption when overwhelmed by the stresses of daily life.  you are quite the force to be reckoned with and i have always been in awe of the wondrous things you create.

i would like  to respectfully request that you remove all allergens and pollen from nature.  i think it would be magical to live in a world with fabulous flora and fauna that are completely allergen-free.  we could admire the beauty of the foliage and not have to deal with humans producing excessive phlegm and being, in general terms, the most loudly disgusting beasts to ever have roamed the earth (and i mean even more grotesque than the woolly mammoth or the t-rex).


thank you in advance for your consideration on this matter. 

respectfully yours,
your daughter, angry office girl

p.s.  please turn off summer, too.