so after months and months of putting it off, i've finally gotten around to setting up this blog. my blog. my friends encouraged me to start one purely to memorialize the stupidity of my co-workers. at least that's what they said. i think their desire for me to do this is two-fold: one, if i'm busy typing up all the stupid stuff that happens at work, i won't have time, or the need, to regale them with my tales via 500+ daily texts, sent in batches between the hours of 7:30am and 5pm. and two, maybe someone from work will discover this blog, put two and two together and then get me fired after reporting me to HR. ha, poor naive friends, you don't realize that: one, i'll never get tired of talking about how stupid people are, and two, well, you'll see what our HR "department" is like and realize that if i wanted to be successfully fired, i'd probably have to do it myself.
on a daily basis i'm floored by the idiocy that exists at work. i don't understand how people this stupid can have made it this far in life without killing themselves by walking off a boat in the middle of the ocean because they forgot that "ocean without a boat = bad news". maybe they just haven't been on a boat in the middle of the ocean yet. maybe someday they'll get themselves out on a boat and nature will take care of its mistakes, and rid the world of some of its inferior creatures. maybe i'm just fantasizing.
now before i sound any more judgmental and "i'm smarter than you so i get to say these things outloud" than i already do, you have to understand that i'm not documenting these things because i want to feel better about myself. i'm a decently intelligent person but being around these r-tards has driven me to the point where i'm asking myself constantly "wait, that's not normal right? they're supposed to know how to turn their computers on right? i mean, I'M not the crazy one, am i? because i know how to turn my computer on?"
and it's not necessarily that i dislike everyone that i'm about to blast... we all have our moments of stupidity and i'm the first to admit that it happens to me more often than i'd like. i promise to blog about it here when it happens to me. but it won't, so don't hold your breath. but i digress. seriously, what's the point of blogging if i'm just going to say nice things about everyone? who wants to hear that? complementary stories and niceties are for other people. apparently i ain't nice. and no one these days goes online to read about people being nice to other people. c'mon, i've seen you roll your eyes in disdain when you read your bff's facebook status update ("have the BEST hubby ever! so lucky to have him!") because you just got a text from her ("asshole forgot to pick up the kids again! 2nd time this week!!!").
anyway, today i finally got around to starting this blog because of something that happened with bacon. no, not the greasy oh-so-good-smelling pork product, but our HR "department". i'll introduce you to her as such:
R-TARD NUMERO UNO
bacon - resident HR genius, in charge of all matters related to humans though she lacks a brain so i'm not sure how she's qualified to know about humans since she can't possibly be one. my guess is she's a species of large human-like bird people. nickname derives from slightly crispy and greasy appearance. doesn't smell like bacon, though that might help her appeal.
yesterday afternoon, i was doing my usual, staring blankly at my screen and waiting for the little clock in the bottom right-hand corner to say "4:56 PM" so i could commence the vigorous process of shutting down my computer for the night. i'd already finished reading through the celebrity news blogs and had appropriately gasped and shut my browser window after stumbling across the last remaining post of scarlett johannson's nekkedness. i had just about wished away the blush in my cheeks when bacon rounded the corner and poked her head into my doorway.
bacon: hey! i have a super quick question for you. are you busy?
me: um, yah but that's fine. i can help. what's up? (i think to myself - this had better be quick because my little clock friend just announced that it's 4:50 PM!)
she walks into my office as i quickly open up a few documents and frown like i was actually editing them. she peeks over at my screen and sighs wistfully. i look at her with an eyebrow raised, much like i was smelling what the rock was cooking.
bacon: gosh, you know, how EVER did you get SO good at excel? you're so good at so many things. i wish i was as good at excel like you.
UM. these are WORD docs you R-TARD. i'm so good at excel that i turned a spreadsheet into a ten-page report on your stupidity?!?!?!? at that moment i wished that they had indeed installed the hidden cameras in my office like i've always suspected management would do. i would watch my reaction over and over again and post it on youtube because i must have looked like i was having a seizure. about ten different emotions flitted across my face in the space of about 6 nanoseconds.
1. shock - did you really just say that
2. surprise - oh my god you really ARE that stupid because you're still admiring my WORD DOC
3. smugness - holy hell wait until i tell my friends, i can't wait ican'twaitican'twait
4. panic - don't laugh, you'll have to explain yourself!
5. tension - holding in laughter as best i can, looking like i'm either pooping my pants or trying to stop myself from doing so
6. shame - i shouldn't be laughing at you, it's not your fault you're so dumb
7. anger - wait, how is it that we're getting the same pay and you're so stupid?
8. annoyance - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots
9. resignation - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots
10. defeat - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots
as i wallowed in self-pity for the sad, sad state of my life, i'd completely forgotten she was still standing in my office. i was jolted out of the fog of despair when she leaned across my desk and laid out several sheets of paper.
bacon: these are the proofs for our new business cards - yay! i've checked and double-checked and triple-checked them for spelling and everything but i know you've got such a good eye for stuff like that i was hoping you'd take a quick peek at them for me before i approve them with the printer.
me: oh this is something i can do in the next two minutes, easy peasy.
bacon: what?
me: huh? oh i said absolutely, nothing would PLEASE me more.
bacon: ok great! thanks so much!!!
and with that, she flounced out of my office, taking her crispy aura away and leaving behind a slightly greasy feel. i sighed and picked up the first sheet. and i blinked. and blinked again. did i? um. yes. ah. the first card on the proof was hers. and this is what it said:
Bakon Frye-Pan
HR Manager
Hell Hole, Inc.
666 Hades Blvd., Suite B
Downtown, HL 66666
bacon: gosh, you know, how EVER did you get SO good at excel? you're so good at so many things. i wish i was as good at excel like you.
UM. these are WORD docs you R-TARD. i'm so good at excel that i turned a spreadsheet into a ten-page report on your stupidity?!?!?!? at that moment i wished that they had indeed installed the hidden cameras in my office like i've always suspected management would do. i would watch my reaction over and over again and post it on youtube because i must have looked like i was having a seizure. about ten different emotions flitted across my face in the space of about 6 nanoseconds.
1. shock - did you really just say that
2. surprise - oh my god you really ARE that stupid because you're still admiring my WORD DOC
3. smugness - holy hell wait until i tell my friends, i can't wait ican'twaitican'twait
4. panic - don't laugh, you'll have to explain yourself!
5. tension - holding in laughter as best i can, looking like i'm either pooping my pants or trying to stop myself from doing so
6. shame - i shouldn't be laughing at you, it's not your fault you're so dumb
7. anger - wait, how is it that we're getting the same pay and you're so stupid?
8. annoyance - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots
9. resignation - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots
10. defeat - this place is a hell hole and i'm working with idiots
as i wallowed in self-pity for the sad, sad state of my life, i'd completely forgotten she was still standing in my office. i was jolted out of the fog of despair when she leaned across my desk and laid out several sheets of paper.
bacon: these are the proofs for our new business cards - yay! i've checked and double-checked and triple-checked them for spelling and everything but i know you've got such a good eye for stuff like that i was hoping you'd take a quick peek at them for me before i approve them with the printer.
me: oh this is something i can do in the next two minutes, easy peasy.
bacon: what?
me: huh? oh i said absolutely, nothing would PLEASE me more.
bacon: ok great! thanks so much!!!
and with that, she flounced out of my office, taking her crispy aura away and leaving behind a slightly greasy feel. i sighed and picked up the first sheet. and i blinked. and blinked again. did i? um. yes. ah. the first card on the proof was hers. and this is what it said:
Bakon Frye-Pan
HR Manager
Hell Hole, Inc.
666 Hades Blvd., Suite B
Downtown, HL 66666
ok not really, because we're not in suite b, we're in suite c (ha!) but yes, her freaking FIRST NAME was misspelled. wtf. how do you miss that? don't you learn to recognize your own name when you turn four? like when you start reading?!?!?! like when you first learn the english language? i snorted as i circled her name with a big red circle and skimmed through the rest of the cards. i glanced at the clock and saw that i only had two minutes before closing time, so i declared myself finished and took the proofs down to her office.
bacon: (looking up from frowning at a sticky note on her desk) oh! you're so quick, you're done already?
me: yup (pleasedon'tlaughpleasedon'tlaughpleasedon'tlaugh)
bacon: oh gosh, hopefully there weren't any errors! i checked through SO many times!
me: ah right. well i uh, there were these ones here where the wrong office address is listed - he doesn't work in that office, he's here in ours...
bacon: oh! goodness, i was so focused on making sure the addresses were correct, i didn't even match the people. hee hee!
me: right. so anyway, um those were um it except for ah one other. um your ah name was misspelled.
bacon: what?
me: um - there's a "k" there.
bacon: oh! ha ha! oh gosh, good thing i had you check! i didn't even notice!
HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE YOUR NAME IS MISSPELLED?!?!??!?!
me: oh right ok yah i gotta go.
i ran down the hall to my office, lips twitching the whole way as i tried to keep from laughing within earshot of her office. my whole body was so tense from holding it in that i am still a little sore from it. i texted the entire episode to my friend abbie, who responded appropriately with "LOL. WTF, how is she still employed? meet in ten at the watering hold to debrief."
so that was yesterday... let's see what today has in store. happy friday!
bacon: (looking up from frowning at a sticky note on her desk) oh! you're so quick, you're done already?
me: yup (pleasedon'tlaughpleasedon'tlaughpleasedon'tlaugh)
bacon: oh gosh, hopefully there weren't any errors! i checked through SO many times!
me: ah right. well i uh, there were these ones here where the wrong office address is listed - he doesn't work in that office, he's here in ours...
bacon: oh! goodness, i was so focused on making sure the addresses were correct, i didn't even match the people. hee hee!
me: right. so anyway, um those were um it except for ah one other. um your ah name was misspelled.
bacon: what?
me: um - there's a "k" there.
bacon: oh! ha ha! oh gosh, good thing i had you check! i didn't even notice!
HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE YOUR NAME IS MISSPELLED?!?!??!?!
me: oh right ok yah i gotta go.
i ran down the hall to my office, lips twitching the whole way as i tried to keep from laughing within earshot of her office. my whole body was so tense from holding it in that i am still a little sore from it. i texted the entire episode to my friend abbie, who responded appropriately with "LOL. WTF, how is she still employed? meet in ten at the watering hold to debrief."
so that was yesterday... let's see what today has in store. happy friday!
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