cornered by beaverFace

so today ended up being a pretty quiet day on the idiocy front.  did i jinx things by starting this blog?  good lord, let's hope not.  i'd be forced to work at my full ability if everyone suddenly grew a brain and did their job.  egads, can you imagine a workplace where absolutely everything ran smoothly??!?!  what on earth would i complain about?  scary.

i did have a small run-in with one character i'll call...

R-TARD NUMERO DOS

beaverFace - typical "i have a degree so therefore i am smarter and cooler than you" loser who looks strikingly like a beaver.  unfortunately he does not realize that everyone else has a degree, too, so he's not nearly as special as he thinks he is.  also thinks he's quite the ladies man, though he most certainly is not.  absolutely loves to hear himself talk and is somehow able to talk down to you like he thinks you're the r-tard, when he's standing in your office asking you for help.  hey brainiac, if i'm the dumbass, why are you asking me to run this report for you?  and wait... why am i doing it?  maybe i AM the dumbass!  dang.

so i was in the break room, getting my mid-morning dose of caffeine to assure my eyes would stay open in my next meeting, when i suddenly froze.  i felt the little hairs on the back of my neck rise and my eyes darted from side to side.  i couldn't see anyone in my peripheral vision, but i had that feeling... that SOMEONE was watching me.  i casually finished stirring my last splenda packet into my cup (acting nonchalant and trying to turn my role from huntED into huntER) and turned to toss the empty packet into the garbage can.  i caught a glimpse of something dark out of the corner of my eye so i pivoted quickly on my heel (a really cute pair of black stilettos) and turned to meet my stalker.

it was like one of those slow-motion scenes in a movie - as i spun, my hair did the cute little fly-out thing and i crouched a little to be able to gather strength in my legs in case i had to fight someone or something off.  my eyes looked out towards the door, expecting my attacker to be a few feet away, but instead i jolted backwards and gasped because beaverFace was RIGHT beside me.  as in my awesome flying-out hair had nearly brushed across his face, he was THAT close to me.  ew.

me: WAH!  wtfyouweirdo...

beaverFace: (smirking) heyyyy sure you ah need more caffeine?  you seem a little on edge.

me: yeah because you're all up in my grill.

beaverFace: what?

me: i said, yeah, you're right, i really should chill.

at which point i sidestepped away from him and managed to put a foot of space between us. this however, ended up pinning me in the corner between the garbage can and the copier. i leaned as casually as i could against the copier, and mentally mapped out my escape route.   beaverFace tried to mimic my lean and rested his hip against the countertop.  unfortunately for him, this only served to accentuate his thick waist, which he obviously does not think he has, because he wears the tightest pants possible and tucks his stupid collared shirts into them.  then he cinches the ensemble together with a belt and struts around like he's the shiz. i think he works out, or at least he talks about it like he does, but he's got cee-lo's body structure so i'm really not seeing how any form of exercise would be beneficial.

i firmed up my grip on my coffee cup and prepared to propel myself forward and around beaverFace by using the copier lid as a makeshift springboard when i was unexpectedly saved by slickRick.

R-TARD NUMERO TRES

slickRick - resident car salesman-type personality who struts through the office giving high-fives to bewildered co-workers and shouting things like "heyyyyyyy SLAP ME SOME SKIN!" and "what's the sitch out there?".  unfortunately for him, he's neither from the Jersey shore, nor is he under the age of 27.  he's old, balding and leaves some shaking their heads, thinking "why, why on earth does he try so hard?".  his specialty is ass-kissing, which the upper management loves, so he's got serious job security.  he needs it, since his multiple masters degree + millions of years of experience = big picture dude who can't do anything on his own.

slickRick: heyyyyyyy what's the sitch in here?!?!?

beaverFace: hey slickRick!  we were just getting some caffeine and comparing weekend plans.

i remained silent and as still as possible, hoping against hope that i would miraculously turn invisible so i could sneak back to my office to finish reading about how brad's comments were misconstrued by the media.  jen was not the boring one, he was.  i only had ten minutes before my meeting.  my wish was not to be granted.

slickRick: heyyyyyyy!!!  slap me SOME SKIN!  i haven't seen you at all today, gurrrrl!

me: uh no, not right now, i have hot coffee.  yes, hot coffee.  very hot coffee.

i panicked, i knew i had to do something before they forced me to put down the coffee and slap some skin.


me: hey so how are your fantasy football lineups looking for this weekend?
beaverFace: oh i've already determined that i'm going to win the league, even though i don't watch football.  i mean, it's SO pedestrian the way people go from week to week.  i've already set my lineups for the season.  it's just so simple.
slickRick: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh dude and dudette, i am SO ready to ROCK my matchup this weekend!  beaverFace, how can you possibly know the shizzle before it fizzles?
beaverFace: (rolling his eyes) it's so simple, i just hret kawlit gjlirtjrdahl kdkgjkrtj....


my mind shut down as my ears registered maximum bs levels for the day and i quickly escaped to the serenity of my office before they could notice i'd departed.  i had eight minutes before the meeting - plenty of time for the rest of my brad/jen article.  happy friday to me.  :)