epic fail

o.  m.  g.  i was just a witness to the best.  conference.  call.  failure.  ever.  i know, i'm not supposed to delight in someone else's failures because retribution and karma and comeuppance and all that will come back to bite me in the butt, but seriously, it was epic beyond belief.

of course, i have no one but bacon to thank for this morning's entertainment.  ever since she's taken over additional administrative duties, glaring examples of her incompetence continue to pop up.  no real surprise there, but a little shocking in terms of how rapidly things will develop.  case in point - the avalanche of awesomeness that occurred in the conference room earlier.

a few months ago, we tried to get fancy like our clients and get video conferencing stuff set up.  unfortunately, unlike our clients, we were given a budget of $100.  seriously, it was like being sent to mood on project runway with a budget of $50 and a task of creating a red carpet look for beyonce.  please.  so, of course we end up purchasing some software from siberia or something, and it's called powerpowwow.  no really.  we couldn't have used gotomeeting or something reputable.  we had to try and get the most features for the cheapest price.  of course, half of the stuff we thought would work, doesn't.  and instead of making a logical decision to cancel and get something better, little b has to sit on that decision and use every video/conference call as an opportunity to complain, berate, and act like a punk.  like it's our fault.  really?  little b, you were the one who ultimately signed the agreement on this because it fell within your miserly budget constraints.  whatevs.

at any rate, i can't be too mad because watching bacon struggle with it is pure comedy.  there's a standing meeting on there for our monthly staff meetings.  can she remember how to log in and use the same recurring meeting invite?  nope.  last month, our chicago office sat in one video conference, we sat in another and our arizona office sat in a third.  no one could see or hear each other and it took about twenty minutes to figure out where they all were.  little b sat by the speakerphone and rolled his eyes as poor marie im'd, called and texted the employees from the other offices until we could figure out how to fix it.  at one point, she managed to get both chicago and arizona into one conference room.  easy peasy, right?  we log out, log back in and join their room.  what?  oh sorry did you say something little b?  yes, yes you did.  you just said they have to move to our room because we shouldn't have to log in and out again?  that we're the "main" office?  OMG, little man, you have serious issues.  but that's what happened.

so this morning, bacon had to run a client conference on this platform.  knowing she sucks at it, she decided to start rehearsing for it early last week.  i'll give her credit for at least realizing that she needed to practice.  we weren't just going to have our client on with us, but our client's customers... people we don't know and wouldn't interact with, but needed to impress nonetheless.  to further complicate matters, our staff would present the first portion of the materials, then we'd transfer controls to our client, who would lead the rest of the meeting.  she had gone through the motions for all of this with a staff in our chicago office, so one would reason she was ready to go.  but no, it's bacon.

at 8:10am, twenty minutes before the start of the meeting, she poked her head into my office. 

bacon: HEY!
me: whoa.  what's up, hi.
bacon: the meeting starts in 20 minutes.
me: yes, it sure does.
bacon: i'm going to go set up in the conference room right now canyoucomeandhelpmeplease?
me: um, sure i guess.  didn't you already go through everything last week?
bacon: well yes i did, but i'm just nervous.  no worries if you're busy, just if you don't mind coming in a little early to help.
me: sure, why not.  i'll be there in five.
bacon: oh thank you!

ten minutes later, i wander down to the conference room and pick a good spot for the meeting.  i position myself next to bacon, one seat away from the controls, but facing towards the conference room doors so i can monitor the traffic in the reception area in case i get bored.  plus i'm also visible to marie and we can entertain each other they way we usually do, making faces and then texting each other on our phones.

bacon: ohmygosh, thank you SO much for coming in early!
me: yup
bacon: ok so i've already logged on, had my handy notes here! (she holds up a piece of notebook paper with our firm login information and password written on it - good security measures!)  and i got signed in to the meeting.  i set this one up last week so i wouldn't have to worry about it today.  i also sent the info in the email to our client so they could have it and forward it to their customers.
me: great job!  sounds perfect.
bacon: oh phew thanks.  i think i've got all my bases covered.
me: so we're presenting the first half?
bacon: yes.  here, i'm sharing our screen already.
me: ok great.  and you can transfer over to our client when needed?
bacon: yes, here's the button right here.
me: awesome, looks like you're set!

i should've known better.  powerpowwow isn't as user-friendly as it would like you to think it is.  and bacon... she could do all the preparing in the world, but the problem is she doesn't ever prepare for the full thing.  it's like she trains for a 5K when the race is actually a marathon.  missed some steps there.  oops.

so a few of our staff wander in, find seats, and as everyone gets settled, we start wondering why our client has not signed on yet.  it's now 8:28am and they should at least be signed on so they're present when their customers sign on.  speaking of which... where are the customers?  are we really the only ones still signed in?  little b struts into the conference room and tosses his pen and notepad onto the table.  he surveys the room, puts his hands on his hips and squints at the screen.

little b: where's the client? 
bacon: uhhh not sure, i mean this is the link that i sent them, for this conference, it is, it has to be.
little b: um right.  why are they late?  oh you know, i bet it's that new girl they hired, betty.  she may be young and cute, but she definitely isn't the brightest.  haw haw haw, right guys?

he looks around and the guys in the room for the most part chuckle uncomfortably, shoot me sympathetic looks and either squirm in their seats or look down like they've just discovered they have shoes on.  except for beaverface.  he's grinning at little b and giving him the "oh man, i got you" nod.  little b hones in on him and they exchange a little bromantic look.  ugh.  i roll my eyes and look back up at the screen, expecting to see someone else, anyone else, logged in.  so far, nada.  the little participant menu says we are the only ones logged in, and there are no audio-only participants yet.  hmm.  suspicious.

me: hey um we do have the right time, right?
bacon: yes.  i just double-checked my email, and it's supposed to be now.
me: ok.  oh hey is that the print out of your email?
bacon: yes - see the time right here?
me: yup.  hmm... let's see...

i start comparing the details on the email... time, check.  date, check.  meeting id... um no check.

me: hey uhh i think um i see the problem.  why's our meeting id 6589543 when on your email it says 6972254?
bacon: huh?  what's the meeting id?
me: omg.  right here - your email says meeting number 6972254, but on our screen it's a different number?
bacon: i don't know.  that's weird, must be a weird software thing.  maybe they updated the number?  i'm positive i'm in the right meeting.
me: really?  you really think that powerpowwow would change a meeting id?
bacon: yah, i mean it doesn't really matter, the name of the meeting is what people look for.
me: oh ok.  well then we still have a problem.  here on your email you called the meeting Hellhole Client Conference - 10/20/11.  and there on our screen it says... Hellhole Client Conf TEST - 10/20/11.
bacon: omg.  omg.  oh crap crap crap crap.
me: wrong meeting?
bacon: yes.  shoot.  why do i always do this?
me: for fun?

bacon's too busy logging out and trying to log back in without anyone noticing to hear my last comment. i look up and snicker.  so much for no one noticing.  everyone's staring at the screen and little b looks like he just ate a jalepeno and followed it up with a swig of beer, his face is so red.  out of the corner of my eye i see movement, and find that marie is sitting at the front desk holding a sign up for me to read.  "wrong freaking meeting, again?  LOL!!!" it says.  i have to bite my lip and look away before i start laughing outloud.  marie is mimicking my facial expressions and cracking up at her desk.

[PING!]  you have now joined the conference.  you are the host.  there are sixteen participants in the meeting already.  (the automated lady says)

we all look up and bacon sighs in relief.  our client waves hello and lets us know that there are just a few others dialing-in so we should be good to go in a few minutes.  little b does his typical schmooze greeting and then discreetly asks bacon to mute us.  she clicks on a button and then nods at little b.

little b: well good thing they were running a little late since you had us parked in the wrong meeting - again!
bacon: i'm so sorry, little b, i seriously don't know how that happened!  i swear i picked the right meeting from the drop-down menu.
little b: well clearly you didn't, but luckily no harm done.  you're lucky.

at this point i'm noticing our client is looking uncomfortable and they are all looking down, except for the manager, who is trying to send us a message through the camera.

client: ah i'm sorry but i uhm you guys aren't ah muted right now.
bacon: oh crap!
little b: (after shooting daggers at bacon) well that's unfortunate, sorry about that!  (then muttering under his breath) you'd better figure out how to fix that pronto.

bacon starts sweating and clicking through different screens and as additional customers dial-in and either join the video portion or just the audio portion, we are treated to the following messages from the automated lady:

[PING!] you are now in question and answer mode.  all participants are muted and may press star 6 to ask a question.

[PING!] you are now in conference mode.  all participants are unmuted.

[PING!] you are now in audio-only mode.  all video has been suspended.  (the screen turns black)

[PING!] you are now in video mode.  all video participants may see the presenter's screen.  (the screen flickers back on and bacon sighs in relief.)

[PING!] you are now in presentation mode.  all participants are muted.

she finally stops and refuses to make eye contact with little b.  smart, since we can all feel the heat from the lasers he is burning straight into her skull from across the table.  he takes a deep breath and puts on his schmooze face and turns to the screen and, as i will begrugingly admit, smoothly starts the meeting.

i tune out until the halfway point of the meeting and we're ready to switch presenters to our client.  this ought to be good.

little b: ok, so that is our portion of the presentation.  at this time, we will turn the controls over to our client, who can walk you through the rest of the material.  we will try to do this as smoothly as possible, ha ha, since we had some technical difficulties earlier.  ha ha.  (shoots daggers at bacon again, who is busily looking at the keyboard and then at the screen and completely ignoring him.)

[CLICKITY CLICK CLICK CLICK]

[PING!] you have now switched presenters.  (get out did she actually do it right??!)

little b: hmph, did you actually do that right?  nice job.
bacon: ha um i think so.  phew.

we all look up at the screen and see our client's presentation up.  i can't believe she actually did it right.  we all start chattering, waiting for our client to start talking and a few people get up to grab coffee from the back of the room.  i am just starting to wonder why our client hasn't started speaking when suddenly the screen flickers and the client opens up a blank word document.  hmm this is odd.  we quiet down and watch the cursor move and then words start to appear on the screen.

"we can still see you.  and hear you."

little b reads the first sentence aloud and then trails off as he gets to "hear".  his lips become a thin line as he swivels his head towards bacon.  she's still squinting at the screen, reading to herself.

bacon: we... can still... see you?  what?  and... hear... you.  what?  they can hear us?  but i switched presenters.  that doesn't make any sense.  and we can see their screen.  that's just not right.  that can't be, because we can't see THEM anymore.

she starts to lean back in her chair as if it's not her concern, so i smack her arm and point across the table at little b.  she turns to me, frowning and rubbing her arm, then follows the line from my finger to little b's red face.  her eyes widen and she snaps back to the keyboard, clicks madly through the screens, trying to fix something she doesn't know how to.

[PING!] you are now in question and answer mode. all participants are muted and may press star 6 to ask a question.
[PING!] you are now in conference mode. all participants are unmuted.
[PING!] you are now in audio-only mode. all video has been suspended. (the screen turns black)
[PING!] you are now in video mode. all video participants may see the presenter's screen. (the screen flickers back on and bacon sighs in relief.)
[PING!] you are now in presentation mode. all participants are muted.

sometime in the middle of the [PING!]s we are treated to a sound bite i will never forget.

audio participant 22: well this is a giant cluster f.  this is completely unprofessional!

little b looks like he's about to explode.  it's a wonder he has enough self-control to stop from leaping across the table and strangling bacon on the spot.  the inside of my cheek starts to bleed as i'm chomping down on it so hard, trying not to laugh aloud.  bacon continues to push buttons until finally, miraculously, she gets the right combination and our client is able to take over.  the tension in our conference room is palpable and no one dares to make a sound, much less make a move.

at the end of the conference, she manages to switch us back on and little b concludes the meeting with a crapload of ass-kissing and apologizes profusely for the technical difficulties.  as soon as the video feed ends and the conference phone is hung up, we all make a dash for the doors.  the last thing i see as i look back over my shoulder is bacon's face.  yikes!  for the millionth time today, i am beyond thankful that i am not her.  i actually feel a little bad for her.  no one likes to see someone fail THAT badly right?  well no, but it is still a little funny how it shook out.  i hear another [PING!] in my head and start giggling again.  ok yeah, i'm a biatch.  that was freaking hilarious.