time warp

i just lost what feels like a third of my life. why, you ask? well i spent the last two and a half hours stuck on the phone with...

R-TARD NUMERO CINCO
spazfest - accuses everyone else of making work out of nothing when he in fact does the EXACT SAME THING. spends all day on the phone with everyone talking shit about everyone else. it's a minor miracle he hasn't forgotten who he's talking to (yet) and started talking smack to someone about themselves. though in this office it's likely he could do that and hold a whole conversation, hang up and have the other person be like "wait a minute... was he talking about...? nah, he wouldn't say those things about me. though my name IS bacon... hmm..."

i was happily enjoying my afternoon latte and trying to find the right site to catch up on the day's entertainment news when i heard emma's phone ring.

[riiiing!]
emma: hello?
[five minutes of silence]
emma: oh really? that's -
[five more minutes of silence]
emma: you know, that's really funny and i'd love to hear more buti'vegottogowork on this project ASAP or else little b's gonna have my butt thanksbyeyup!
[click]

i heard emma sigh and then an instant message box popped up on my desktop.

ewashington: my GOD does spazfest EVER stop talking? wtf! i couldn't get him off the phone fast enough.
me: seriously! so glad i wasn't the one he called this time. oh shiza.

[riiing!]

ewashington: HAHAHAHA he's making the rounds again. i just heard ashley's phone ring but she's not there because she's across the street in her apartment napping. AGAIN. biatch.
me: i still cannot believe no one has caught on. it's those stupid boobs of hers. blind little b like nothing else. ew.
ewashington: right?!?!?

if i had known how long i would get trapped on the phone, i would have suppressed the sympathy i felt in that moment for spazfest. some people just need to feel important and need to know that they are THE source of news in the office.  he just needed some validation that he was needed.  sigh.  stupid ashley and her napping boobs.  i picked up the phone.

me: hello?
spazfest: heyyyyyyyyyyyyy there!  oh it's SO good to hear your voice.
me: yah, you know, it's been like a day since we last talked.
spazfest: oh i KNOW right?  i mean, like, practically forever.
me: right, not quite what i meant but ok.
spazfest: gurrrrrlllll are you so dreading the holiday party this weekend or what?  i mean, it's so bad that you have to first of all, work with little b, but then to have to go to a party and rub elbows with him and his wife and pretend like you like them... i am totally dreading flying out there on friday and losing my ENTIRE weekend for this stupid party and having to go and pretend like i'm happy to be there.  i mean, no offense or anything, but really, going to your office is like you know, flying to the country or something.  there's absolutely nothing to do and like everyone's just SO small town, it's painful.
me: gee, thanks.
spazfest: oh SILLY, of course not you, but you know, everyone else but you.  you like totally belong with us over here in chicago.  you're so much cooler than everyone else.  you know, that's why we get along so well.  but anyway like i was saying to dottie the other day...

at that point i mentally exited the conversation because he mentioned dottie.  dottie is... spazfest's... girlfriend?  lady friend?  or perhaps beard?  it honestly doesn't matter much to me in any way, though if in case she is his beard, it makes me sad that he feels like he has to pretend he's something he's not.  she's been around for a long time, knows his family well and even travels with them on vacations.  he complains about her snooty behavior ("as she comes from ollllld money and has never really worked a day in her life") but never talks about going on a date with her.  nor about any other facets of a normal relationship like progression towards marriage, kids, etc.  not that i'm saying everyone has to move in that direction, but there's an odd staleness to their relationship.  not to mention his insane need to gossip, and impeccable fashion sense.  he's always well-groomed and highly critical of what everyone looks like when he comes out to visit our office.  wonder what he would've thought of my stapled-crotch pants and missing heel.  hmm...

spazfest:... right?  i mean, i'm honestly just psyching myself up for the party and trying to find positive things to look forward to, to make it bearable.  like seeing you.  i'm so excited to see you.  and can't wait to see who's going to get themselves in trouble this year by getting wayyyyyy too drunk and pissing off little b!  it's going to be so great, though last year it was pretty epic.
me: right.  thanks a lot for bringing that up. i'm still paying for it.  little b makes snide comments everytime the holiday party comes up these days.
spazfest: OH no i um totally didn't mean YOU from last year.  you were just being so cute and silly.  nothing THAT bad you know?  it was ummmm oh don't you remember ashley?  she was like um all drunk and ah...
me: no.  i don't remember ashley.  i don't remember anything after say about 8:30pm.  whatever.  this place drives me to drink.  aholes.

i rolled my eyes and took the last sip of my latte as spazfest tripped and stuttered himself into a different conversation in an attempt to recover from talking smack about me to, well, me.  hahaha.  it was actually pretty hilarious and i listened on and off for the next hour or so as he chatted on and on.  at some point i think i fell asleep with my eyes open.  the ping of an instant message woke me up.

ewashington: hey!  you awake in there?
me: whoa, i am now.  thanks.
ewashington: ha ha!  had a feeling you needed a prod.  how long has he been talking?
me: it's been... 34 minutes, 18 seconds since i last said something.
ewashington: omg!  i can't believe he keeps going even if you aren't making any noises!
me: it really doesn't take much to keep him going.
ewashington: clearly!  goodNESS!  what's he talking about now?
me: not really sure, i stopped listening a while ago.  i was amused as he tried to talk himself out of a hole for bringing up last year's holiday party.
ewashington: oh NO he di'int!
me: he absolutely did.  it was pretty funny.
ewashington: was it funny because he talked about you knocking the trash can over or because he brought up all the shots you did with the boys?
me: ahem.  it was neither of those incidents, thank you very much.  i righted that trash can practically before it even hit the floor AND i out drank most of those boys, so really, i don't see what's so bad about either of those.
ewashington: HA HA HA!!!

i looked up just as emma popped into my office and reenacted my knocking over and resurrecting the trash can.  i snorted and tried to turn my giggles into a throat clearing.

spazfest: oh geez, look at the time, i really should let you get back to work!  sorry for chatting your ear off!  i can't wait for the holiday party!  you were so right about that...
me: huh?  what did i say?  i swear i didn't say more than "mmhmm".
spazfest: oh you're SO funny!  so modest.  you're the best!  see you on saturday!

with that, he finally hung up and i carefully placed my handset back into the cradle.  i couldn't quite straighten out my neck and my right ear throbbed as the blood rushed back to it and i thought about all the zits i was likely developing from having the phone pressed against my cheek all afternoon.  eesh.  i flexed my fingers and tried to bend them out of the claw-shaped mess they were in. as i did so, i noticed my computer clock said it was nearly time to go.  YAY!  thank you spazfest!!!  just enough time to gather my stuff, shut down and sneak out the back.  happy wednesday.